Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are travelling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true and pieces of our lives will fit together
Continue reading Life’s Journey
3-year-old Reese : ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.’
One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets As we forgive those who put trash in
Continue reading Kids in Church
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.
The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!
Husband: Guess whom?
Wife: I know who it is!
Husband: Guess what I
Continue reading Ultimate Test
A Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Little Kelli raised her hand and said: “I think it’s your hands!”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Kelli?”
Kelli replied: “Because when we pray, we hold our hands together in front of us so God must take our hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” said the teacher.
Then little Jennifer raised her hand and said: “I think it’s your legs, miss!”
The teacher looked at her with a puzzled expression and asked: “Now, Jennifer, why on earth do you think it would be your legs?”
Jennifer replied: “Well,
Continue reading Sunday School
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’
‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’
‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’
‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realising
Continue reading Rabbi & The Tax Man
The pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and, gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, “Good morning, son.”
“Good morning, pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.
“Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or
Continue reading Sunday morning
There was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place.
Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again.
This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working outthe kinks in
Continue reading OH HELL
Sex would smell like chocolate.
Farts would smell like roses.
Dogs and children would not get dirty.
Babies would come from vending machines.
Men would be born with a permanent erection.
All women would have the same D cup breasts.
There would be no cellulite.
All food would be FAT FREE.
Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.
There would be more Male Revue bars than Tittie Bars.
Every man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.
All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii.
Men would come with software to be custom designed.
Men would come equipped with a tracking device for quick location by wife.
Men would have built in lie
Continue reading If God Was a Woman
Little Johnny, 8, and his older brother, 10, lived in a certain suburban neighbourhood, and were known to be exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat
Continue reading God is Missing
God help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they’re usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th
Continue reading God