Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are travelling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true and pieces of our lives will fit together
Continue reading Life’s Journey
I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven’s door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp– The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbour Who never said anything nice
Herb, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell, Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How’d all these sinners get up here? God must’ve made a mistake.
‘And why is
Continue reading Judge not
Virginity like bubble – one prick all gone
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all
Continue reading Chinese Proverbs
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. * I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear
Continue reading Dating Advice
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
Continue reading Successful Businessman
Recently a “Husband Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands…
First floor The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they
Continue reading The Husband Store
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, “Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?” The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you.”
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, “Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!”
“No kidding?” pried the boy.
The geezer continued, “But, when
Continue reading A Little head
This is great. I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and not other races:
Proud to be White
Michael Richards makes his point:
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TV’s Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points….
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me ‘White boy,’ ‘Cracker,’ ‘Honkey,’ ‘Whitey,’ ‘Caveman’… and that’s OK..
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel
Continue reading American Racism
In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who:
Let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
In primary school your idea of a good friend was the person who:
went to the bathroom with you; held your hand as you walked through the scary halls; helped you stand up to the class bully; shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus; saved a seat on the back of the bus for you; knew who you had a crush on and never understood why.
In secondary school your idea of a good friend was the person who:
let you copy the social studies homework; went
Continue reading Friends
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said “You want hot fudge with that? And Man said “Yes!” And Woman said “I’ll have one too with chocolate chips”. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said “Try
Continue reading Nutrition