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Dumb Lawyers

Humour

Some of these jokes are in bad taste but we're talking about lawyers...

  1. A billboard ad for a law office: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.
  2. Lawyer to defendant: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  3. Lawyer to doctor: isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
  4. Lawyer to defendant: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
  5. Lawyer to defendant: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
  6. Lawyer to defendant: Were you alone or by yourself?
  7. Lawyer to defendant: Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A. It indicates intercourse.
    Q. Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags and of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his widow was up in the attic cleaning, and came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darn fool," she exclaimed, "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Lawyers questions:

  1. Can you describe the individual?
    He was about medium height and had a beard.
  2. Was this a male or female?
  3. How long have you been a French Canadian?
  4. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
  5. Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    I went to Europe, sir.
    And did you take your new wife?
  6. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
  7. I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    That's me.
    Were you present when that picture was taken?
  8. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
    Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    By death.
    And by whose death was it terminated?
  9. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    I'll be three months on November 8.
    Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    Yes.
    What were you doing at that time?
  10. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    I used to be.
    How many times have you committed suicide?
  11. So you were gone until you returned?
  12. She had three children, right?
    Yes.
    How many were boys?
    None.
    Were there girls?
  13. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
  14. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    Yes.
    And these stairs, did they go up also?
  15. Have you lived in this town all your life?
    Not yet.
  16. All you responses must be oral, ok?
    What school did you go to?
    Oral.
  17. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    Yes, I have been since early childhood.
  18. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
    It was in the evening.
    The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
    No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
  19. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

~Justice Bramwell to witness:
A:"My good woman, you must give an answer, in the fewest possible words of which you are capable, to the plain and simple question whether, when you were crossing the street with the baby in your arms and the omnibus was coming down on the right side and the cab on the left side, and the brougham was trying to pass the omnibus, you saw the plaintiff between the brougham and the cab, or whether and when you saw him at all, and whether or not near the brougham, cab and omnibus, or either or any two, and which of them respectively - or how was it?"

A sexy female lawyer made an arousing opening statement.

Things people actually said in Court

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS : I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS : Did you actually pass the law exam?
__________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS : Are you serious.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY : How many were boys?

WITNESS : None.

ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS : By death.

ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS : Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS : All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

And the best for the last..

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

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