Categories

Love de Irish

Humour

sheilasAn Englishman was shot in the head with a starting pistol; police said it was definitely race related.

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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

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I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

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Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a policewoman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day, apparently 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

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After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full!

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Irish Sausages

An Irishman, walking up to the counter and asked, "Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on,"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?"

The assistant said: "Well no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in the hardware store".

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Irish Maths

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.

Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the
Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.

Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying:

"A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred.

So, when do I be starting the job?!"

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Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

The Texan in Ireland

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman shows up again and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
The Irishman immediately tears into all 10 pints, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street first to see if I could do it.”

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