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Relationships and Intimacy

The art of being genuine

cpleIf you were to ask a couple who have been married for many years what they know about their spouse, they may be able to list a few of their preferences, but if they are completely honest they will admit that they have no idea who this other person is yet they have worked out how to create an amicable life.

People form relationships from biological, personal, social and political needs. The biological need is basic, it's simply about having sex for reproduction. At a personal level it's about pleasure then a range of economics, politics power and control. Some people like to be controlling and some people like to be controlled so we're not talking about any good and bad here.

However a great many people today come and relationships purely for their economic and social survival. They are expected to perform as a team in acquiring social and economic assets that they can trade within their communities. Unfortunately in today's world, unless one has a very high paying job it's almost impossible to acquire a home and property.

Economically this is about purchasing assets like a home and car and secondly there is the pleasure and possibly procreation. It was also an economic aspect to sex because by having only one partner and remain faithful, there is less risk of contracting any social disease.

The separation from our humanity

We tend to create our relationships in reaction to life, to afford a home, to get on or remain in a circle of friends with people who have also married. Then the children happen, that's sociable acceptable and very often desirable especially from the perspective of your parents.

It behind all of this, through our education and upbringing very few people have gotten in touch with their own fundamental reality. Many people have smoked pot or taken LSD which may have provided some insights into the nature of reality, but very few follow-up with real spiritual practice like meditation to consolidate that perception.

Those insights are quite often abandoned into a monogamous affair that may or may not last a lifetime. In the Western world more than 50% of all marriages fail and many that do endure do so at the expense of happiness.

The loss of happiness can cause either partner to indulge in relationships outside of marriage and in desperation, some even agree to have open marriages because of lost that sense of intimacy with each other and the need to be with someone else to find that basic physical pleasure afforded by sex.

There is no such thing as a marriage made in heaven and no marriage is perfect. Life is so complex and there are so many factors that interfere with relationships from the amount of tax to the expectation of grandchildren all the way that life is conducted according to some ism.

Unless you have real intimacy with yourself, you cannot be intimate with anyone else

In other words when an individual has lost their own sense of self responsibility and their own internal connection or awareness that they are in fact a human being in a society of many, they become less capable and dependent on others.

In the ideal marriage, both partners had a deep self-awareness and a respect for life. This is intimacy with one's self and when this self intimacy is established, the actions of one's marriage partner are inconsequential. They can be celebrated or reprimanded as appropriate, but the action is with loving support.

By developing real intimacy with oneself, one becomes self-reliant and able to fulfil one's own needs. Therefore the reasons to be married may be to have a family all for social conformity because there is often a lot of prejudice against unmarried adults in many societies.

Here I am reminded of the Hindu deity Kali dripping blood and her foot on her husband's chest yet he seems rather amused. Conversely the biblical story of the Prodigal son returning home. The Bible tells of the son returning to a father, but there are many sons in this world who returned home to their mothers to find acceptance and solace.

Therefore the secret to any good relationship is your relationship with yourself. This doesn't happen overnight and patriarchal societies discourage the introspection required to establish this personal relationship with one's self.

How to develop your internal relationship

Naked activities are healthy

Naked activities are healthy

The first step would be to stop taking yourself and life so seriously.
The second step is to cognise the illusory nature of reality. In one of the science documentaries he voiced, Morgan Freeman very succinctly explained how what we see as the physical world around us and even our own bodies are complete illusion.
The third step is to spend some time naked everyday. We will need to learn how to be comfortable inside our own skin and this can be a good opportunity to do some exercise in the privacy of your own home. There are also many social nudist groups which not only help people get over body issues, but they also help to level the playing field in regards to class and wealth.

When we dissect any matter via our own flesh and bone, the leaf of a plant paint on your wall or the concrete that your house is made of, everything comes apart to the molecular level and then to the atomic. When we get down to the atom, the atom is a very tiny speck of existence and inside it there are some even tiny aspects of existence. Yet all these tiny specks of existence contain eight vast amount of space in relation to the very tiny speck of matter. When you can appreciate this, it's very hard to understand how our bodies have any mass or weight.

Then we need to appreciate that everything we perceive happens within our own minds. The words on this page, you can't see them. All you see is an interpretation of the refracted light passing through into the back of your eye which generates a signal to your brain which interprets what you are seeing. All our senses operate this way and we actually have zero perception of anything outside of our own bodies.

In other words we make everything up in our mind, and because we do that, we have the potential to see what we want to see and create. There is another level of people creating misery, but they always do that out of some sense of inadequacy.

To deepen our self relationship we need to recognise that we are neither our body nor our mind. Our body is simply a collection of cells created from all the food we have ever eaten, similarly our mind is simply a store of all our life experiences and impressions.

The true relationship comes with a transcending body and mind to think of ourselves as a spiritual entity or soul that exists independent and yet coexisting with body and mind. By having this spiritual perspective, life becomes a lot lighter and the actions taken in this life are made with greater responsibility.

Through becoming specially self-aware and more response-able in that people with genuine intimate relationships with themselves are more responsive to life and not responsible for things that go on in their lives as is typically the meaning associated with the word responsible.

The spiritually responsible person is a little more aware or more perceptive and is more likely to be able to form a stable relationship with another human being.

Becoming more intimate with another

While it is an ideal to be able to care with someone who has a deep level of self intimacy, it's not always the case. Also, self intimacy doesn't happen overnight as its a lifetime process. Therefore it's a very helpful where both partners had some commitment to self exploration.

On a practical level when waking in the morning, face in the direction of the rising sun and bring your palms together and give a thought of thanks for the fact that you are alive. You must remember that many people don't wake up next morning. Then turn to your significant other, look into their eyes and tell them that you are pleased to be able to spend another day in their company.

Then of course there's the need to go to the bathroom and perhaps get on with the day chores. But if there is space why not meditate or make love, or do both?nyog2

So you work to create a lifestyle together that suits you both. Find time to meditate and instead of watching gossip and trivia on the TV in your free time, listen to some spiritual discourse. There are tons of spiritual dialogues available on YouTube.

Early on in most relationships the need for sex is very compulsive and some couples find it a challenge to keep their hands off each other. But over time this compulsiveness dissipates causing many couples to fear that they have fallen out of love. This is not really the case, it's just something going on within the mind and it can be a reflection that the course of life for either partner may be changing.

If the children had grown up or if there are no children and either person was to change their life direction, there is no problem with an amicable separation, but sometimes sitting down together and meditating helps to bring life back on track.

Conscious loving

tantraWhen couples have matured a little, when they are comfortable naked in each other's company, some of the ideas that are referred to as tantra massage or yoga may be employed to gain a little more pleasure and intimacy within a relationship.

Such an activity should be preceded by taking a shower, creating a sanctified atmosphere and a period of meditation. Then it's a process of meeting each other with an attitude of total trust and acceptance.

Two people can never become one, but by combining meditation, sharing spiritual insights and wisdom, verbally stroking as well as hands-on massage and all manner of sexual exploration can help to strengthen partnerships as well as provide a great deal of uninhibited pleasure.

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