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Suicide, An Untold Story

The story of a corrupted life

Michael always thought that there was something wrong with the world, as a child he'd seen lots of suffering in terms of unhappy children, parents arguing, his mother crying and then there was all the violence on TV that has parents watched every day. This was normal, it happened to everyone and it seemed so strange that people focused on these horrible things and ignored the beauty and the life all around them.

He conformed to all the social rules but when he got to school it seemed that everybody lived by slightly different sets of rules which was so confusing. He tried not to think about that and he passed through his early school years with diligence and got good grades. His parents begin to have more trouble reconciling their differences of opinion and there were many nights when his father didn't come home.

When he was nine, Michael began to notice the differences between the sexes. He felt attracted to pretty girls and women with nice legs and boobs who had a sense of style in the way they dressed. But he never sunk as low  as picking on less attractive kids like some of his classmates did. He understood the importance of teamwork and tried to fit in, he was good at soccer that put him at odds against some of the boys who liked rugby and thought that soccer was a sissy sport.

Bullying occurred on many levels and everyone suffered to some degree as those around him tried to exert their opinions as being better than others. He had seen how bullying extended to beatings so he mostly kept his opinions to himself to avoid those confrontations so from an outward view, his life was fairly pleasant.

Then he got his first crush, a pretty girl in another class who wore short skirts and sometimes at the pool he saw her breasts through the thin veil of her bathing suit. She had the body of girls in the magazines that his father used to keep under the bed. He was having wet dreams several nights a week and masturbating almost every day. His body seemed to have a mind of its own but he learned that when his mind was engaged in something else the images of pretty girls and sexual urges could be controlled.

So he focused on schoolwork and his parents were proud that he got such good marks. Then he met Vanessa, she wasn't the prettiest girl in school but she was sweet and chatty. They spent evenings doing homework together and attended a few events. She had the idea that she had to turn him into what she wanted, to achieve that she let him fondle her breasts and even to see her naked once, but after those more intimate encounters with her, he often felt more frustrated and thought maybe that's why men raped woman. He broke off with her soon after that and it wasn't pleasant because she thought she needed some return on her investment, so she created some drama.

As Michael began to learn how the world worked, there seemed to be no such thing as truth, just opinion and the opinions that ruled were those who had the strongest muscles or in terms of the world, the most economic and military clout. At a more local level everyone believed they were free and yet everyone was bound in slavery. He tried to discuss this with students and teachers but they were more of the opinion that life had to be seized and conquered. School was all about acquiring the skills with which to go out and claim a slice of the world which didn't make sense because everyone dies one day and they have to leave it all behind.

Soon after he turned 14, Michael realised that humanity was totally insane, there was no ultimate purpose to life, happiness didn't come through acquiring stuff although it sometimes gave people a perverse kind of pleasure. Then he met Jamie, a girl from another school and she seemed to be able to understand him. Even though she dressed scruffy, she was very pretty. But she hated her family and the fact that human civilisation sucked.

With her Michael had his first real sexual experiences, but she was moody and erratic. Michael didn't know why and he thought that he must be doing something wrong, but she'd not told him that she'd been raped a few times. Then something happened and Michael's parents dissuaded him from seeing that girl again. He knew he liked her and cared for her, but he didn't know it was love or not. His parents were no help, all of his life when he'd asked a serious question, he was generally fobbed off and told that he had strange ideas. His parents thought that life was just what you see in front of you and thinking was not conducive to good health.

Then he met Gena, a pretty, vivacious girl with a brilliant mind and she accepted his offer to meet up. They got along really well, had fun and sex. Michael was usually home alone for several hours after school and for a few weeks Gena became his after-school date. But on the weekends she liked to go out and have sex with other boys but it took Michael two weeks to work that out which made their relationship irreconcilable. On top of everything else, he thought life was becoming too much to bear and he started entertaining thoughts of suicide.

As parents were useless, his teachers even worse. He was expected to discipline himself to follow the whims of society which were always changing. It was so bad he started buying drugs with his pocket money. Cannabis was nice, it softened the world for a little while but it also showed him more of the horror of civilisation and how it worked. It was so horrid he wanted to bury his head in the sand because how could people let the world get in such a state? But even worse, they didn't even seem to recognise and do anything about the problems they were creating for themselves and future generations.

He experimented with heavier drugs but his parents found out before he was too badly affected. He spent two weeks in a clinic and everyone was concerned for his health, but in reality, no one did a thing to help him and if anything, they made his nightmare even worse by insisting he belie their lies.

One afternoon he was in the garden watching the ants going about their business. He was amazed by their strength, by their energy and their intelligence. He cast his gaze further afield at the wonder and the beauty of life in that small space, but his mother's voice shattered that observation when she said sharply "Michael, what are you doing? Are you on those bloody drugs again?"

His reply that he was watching the ants didn't compute in his mother's mind but her words had cut him deeply. There were a few times over as many weeks where his mother from ignorance spoke sharply. It seemed that everyone around him was so stressed and no one was in control of their lives. Then he met Julie, she was charming and he loved having sex with her although she said she only indulged because it was against the rules.

But like Gena, she was also having sex with other boys. That seemed to be the way of people as even when he'd been out this father, he'd noticed him eyeing up every pretty girl they passed. He never knew that when he was younger, his father sometimes never came home because he was out with other women. By then he'd figured that out and he was wondering how to build his life but it seemed that all his options included such an unreasonable amount of suffering, that he'd be required to spend his entire life putting up with people's stupidity and cruelty toward each other as well as the planet that the idea of suicide became much stronger.

Julie was fun and a great distraction but he knew there was no future with her. He was seeing her several times a week, but at other times Michael was playing the field trying out other girls, but they were all just temporary distractions as were drugs and other things that everyone got involved with. It had all been just too much for a long time and he knew that if he participated in the human race he would be participating in the destruction of life and our species.

There was too much to bear, he couldn't be responsible for doing that. His parents had been no help although he was grateful they'd provided for his material needs. The counsellors at the drug centre painted an unrealistic picture of life and said that faith would get you through, but that was just an abstraction from life doomed to failure. For months he'd been secreting sleeping pills that his mother used regularly. Just two or three from each bottle so as not to arouse suspicion.

One afternoon after school he sat on his bed and thought through all his observations of the world, of people and of life itself. He concluded that humanity was destroying itself and all of life simply because people do not use their intelligence. People were so full of shit, just using each other and using the world's resources for a few temporary pleasures without any significant memory or purpose in life.

Michael never woke up the next morning and his family grieved that they'd lost such a lovely boy and none of it made any sense because they'd done their absolute best for him.

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