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Dumb Lawyers

Humour

Some of these jokes are in bad taste but we’re talking about lawyers…

A billboard ad for a law office: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty. Lawyer to defendant: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Lawyer to doctor: isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? Lawyer to defendant: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? Lawyer to defendant: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Lawyer to defendant: Were you alone or by yourself? Lawyer to defendant: Q. What is the meaning of

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Children Say

Perceptive Children – humour

Tomato sauce

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce that had thickened out of the jar. During her struggle the phone ring so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it and she said “mommy can’t come to the phone right now, she’s hitting the bottle”.

Ladies locker room

He young boy got loss at the YMCA and found himself in a woman’s locker room. When he was seen, some of the ladies almost panicked to cover themselves up. The boy watched in amazement and asked “what’s the matter, having never seen a little before.”

Police dog

A police dog handler at the end of his shift was unloading gear from his

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Old Men

“Where are your Glasses ??….”

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 72 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a Membership Card and

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Blond Humour

Humour

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???”

She looks into his eyes and

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Blonde Bashing

Humour

Proper vehicle maintenance is sooooo important !! Woman adding a quart of oil to her car…

Q- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A- Pregnant!

Q- What is a blonde’s idea of safe sex? A- Locking the car door.

Q- What’s the definition of eternity? A- Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for sex? A. The balls are lighter, and you don’t have to change shoes.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to

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A Blonde At The perly Gates

Humour

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. ‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘? The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’ The third is ‘What was the name

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Old Farmer’s Advice

The old farmer says:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled. Meanness don’t jest happen overnight. Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t

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Kiwi Humour

New Zealanders love humour

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

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Humour

Nothing like a good laugh

Jokes, warm fuzzies, and humour to put a smile of your dial.

Walk softly on this earth Get where you want without creating waves Have a wealth of good friends by being a friend Wake every morning with optimism And sleep every night fulfilled.

Words and words speaking mind Eyes deaf, ears blind, See me Touch me Feel me.