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Dumb Lawyers

Humour

Some of these jokes are in bad taste but we’re talking about lawyers…

A billboard ad for a law office: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty. Lawyer to defendant: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Lawyer to doctor: isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? Lawyer to defendant: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? Lawyer to defendant: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Lawyer to defendant: Were you alone or by yourself? Lawyer to defendant: Q. What is the meaning of

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Children Say

Perceptive Children – humour

Tomato sauce

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce that had thickened out of the jar. During her struggle the phone ring so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it and she said “mommy can’t come to the phone right now, she’s hitting the bottle”.

Ladies locker room

A young boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in a woman’s locker room. When he was seen, some of the ladies almost panicked to cover themselves up. The boy watched in amazement and asked “what’s the matter, have you never seen a little boy before?”

Police dog

A police dog handler at the end of his shift was unloading gear

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Desert Island Tale

A passenger plane travelling Frtom Sydney to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spots an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Although he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life.

After several

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Old Men

“Where are your Glasses ??….”

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 72 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a Membership Card and

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Blond Humour

Humour

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???”

She looks into his eyes and

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Ultimate Test

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

Husband: Guess whom?

Wife: I know who it is!

Husband: Guess what I

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God is Missing

Humour

Little Johnny, 8, and his older brother, 10, lived in a certain suburban neighbourhood, and were known to be exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat

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The Rubbish Collector

A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can’t see it. So, against the rules of the refuse collector’s code but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door. There’s no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder. Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.

‘Harro!’ says the Japanese chappie.

‘Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?’ asks the collector

‘I bin on toiret’ explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the

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Some days

Humour

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

Next time you think you’re having a bad day, remember these . . .

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her

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Blonde Bashing

Humour

Proper vehicle maintenance is sooooo important !! Woman adding a quart of oil to her car…

Q- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A- Pregnant!

Q- What is a blonde’s idea of safe sex? A- Locking the car door.

Q- What’s the definition of eternity? A- Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for sex? A. The balls are lighter, and you don’t have to change shoes.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled

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