Perceptive Children – humour
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce that had thickened out of the jar. During her struggle the phone ring so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it and she said “mommy can’t come to the phone right now, she’s hitting the bottle”.
Ladies locker room
He young boy got loss at the YMCA and found himself in a woman’s locker room. When he was seen, some of the ladies almost panicked to cover themselves up. The boy watched in amazement and asked “what’s the matter, having never seen a little before.”
A police dog handler at the end of his shift was unloading gear from his
Continue reading Children Say
Tales from real life
Hi, this is a bit embarrassing but I’ll tell you anyhow. Last week I arranged to get a ride to the mall with my brother who was going to pick me up at 1130 sharp. He’s really bossy but I had plenty of time or so I thought. I slept until nine, did a few chores in the buff and took a shower, then as I had time to spare I put on my favourite yoga tights and started working out.
Yoga is really gentle so I didn’t break a sweat and I was really getting into it when my brother arrived. Like he just pulled into the driveway, honked and called me to hurry
Continue reading Blond Moments
Soon after a man boarded his flight and taken his seat, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman walking down the aisle. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the sexiest looking woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
Continue reading Tonto McTavish
A night of magic
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn’t let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.
Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella’s mouth drops open and says, “You must be crazy! I’m on the pill, and I don’t need to wear a diaphragm.”
The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees
Continue reading Cinderella
Humour – too good to be true
Two men drove to a different gas station to fill-up because they heard about a special contest where the reward was free sex being offered to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.
“How do we enter?” asked the first man.
“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”
“O.K. I guess 7, ” said the first man.
“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”
The next week, the two men
Continue reading Free Sex
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???”
She looks into his eyes and
Continue reading More Blond Moments
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..”
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, “Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want
Continue reading Tales of Infidelity (R)
One day while Six Year Old Marty was pestering his mother, so she said, ‘Why don’t you go across the street and watch the construction workers building the new home, maybe you will learn something.’
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned.
Martin replied…’Well first; You put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the motherfucker back up.’
Shocked, Marty’s mother said, ‘You just wait till your father gets home!’
When Marty’s father got home the mother asked Marty to tell his
Continue reading Marty and The Building Site
From a UK paper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last
Continue reading Classifieds
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into Tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.
At seven, I got he ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for!”
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
Continue reading Birds and Bees