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The Baptist Cowboy

Humour

A cowboy, who'd just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walked into a bar and ordered  three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he'd finished them, he came back to the bar and  orders three more.

The bartender approached and said to the cowboy, "You know, a  mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one  at a time."

The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One  is in Arizona , the other is in  Colorado . When we all left our home  in Texas, we promised that we'd drink  this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking  one beer for each of my brothers and one for  myself."

The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom, and left  it there. The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank  the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in  turn. One day, he came in and only orders two mugs.

All the  regulars take noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for  the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your  grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your  loss."

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light  dawned in his eyes and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained, "It's just that  my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit  drinking, but it hasn't affected my brothers  though."

Texan Cowboy

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's hind end?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

--

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

--

There are three cowboys who go to the same bar after work every night. One night two guys are sitting around when the third guy comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

The other two ask him, "Why are you so happy?"

"Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time."

The next night the second guy comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other guy, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great!"

The next night the first two guys see the third guy come into the bar pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them.

The third guy says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and shit in my face!"

--

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

--------------

Two cowboys were preparing to ride the range when one lifts his horse's tail, and kisses his horses arse. The other cowboy sees this and exclaims, "What the hell are you doing?"

He replies, "I've got chapped lips."

The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?"

"Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

--

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ..

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

--------------------

Country boys don't need pick-up lines because they've got pick-up trucks.

--

justiceA modern day Australian cowboy was lost and spent many days crossing the western plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an ATO genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***SHAZAAM!***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?" says the ATO genie.

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***SHAZAAM!***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***SHAZAAM!***

The cowboy turned into a tampon....

The moral of the story:

If the Government offers you anything, there's going to be strings attached....

--

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life working in ta vein, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

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